ruby_red_grapefruit | Entries tagged with personal

planning my tattoos

i have been always wanting to get a tattoo. but my family won't ever give me a permission to do that.

i always have a plan of what the tattoos are going to be. i do think that i would probably get a plenty of it with a small size.

my first tattoo is going to be the calico cat tattoo. calico cat itself in most tradition in many countries means good luck. but calico cat for me means a 'bond' with my little brother as a sibling. yes, we have two calico cat and we take care of them until now. i want the calico tattoo to be small to medium size. it's either only the head or a full body of the cat. the place is on my right arm.

the second one is probably a semicolon tattoo which is yes, inspired by seventeen's semicolon album.
i hold the meaning of semicolon so dearly. semicolon is also one of my favorite albums from seventeen and i love the message that seventeen wanted to send to us.

semicolon, according to seventeen represents a brief pause and moment to take a breath, exchanging laughter with one another even amidst the hardships of the generation. semicolon aimed to spread message of support for youth who run endlessly, who's hustling and never take a break. seventeen hoped to give warmth, comfort, and support through semicolon.

semicolon tattoo itself is a symbol of pride and survival for those who's dealing with depression, suicide, addiction, anxiety, and self-injury. as a person who's dealing with depression and anxiety, this symbol means so much to me.

by the way, i want to put the semicolon tattoo on my right index finger.

besides calico and semicolon tattoos, i want to have a tattoo of 'everythingoes', 'uhgood', and 'moonchild'. i don't really want to elaborate one by one of the reason why, but yes those three songs from RM's mixtape, mono, is significant for me.

as for moonchild though, i want to have a crescent moon as well. i want to put the moonchild tattoo on my nape. meanwhile for everythingoes, i want to place it on my left wrist/arm. for uhgood, i am thinking to place it on my collarbone or shoulder.

well, i think me having a tattoo is only a wishful thinking, lol.

Current Mood: full

....

never in my life i would imagine that this thing happened. no, not the thesis. I know, i will have to do my thesis in order to graduate. But i never imagined that i would feel this difficult to finish my thesis. It is tough. Like, really tough. I even got anxiety because of it. I am afraid of looking at my proposal which I also wrote in the middle of my peak depression and anxiety. I am so desperate. I feel like I just want to give up. I am also trying so hard to not talking about thesis with my friends. Everytime they talk about it or ask me about it, i feel so uncomfortable. I also get anxious when everyone talks about their thesis. I try to switch away the conversation. I just want to go away. I don't want to hear about it. No. I even feel afraid to come to the seminar class because I don't want to know anything about my friends' thesis. I feel so anxious....

Before this thing happens, I have an imagination of me doing just fine writing my thesis because I've always known what I want to write. I've always known my interest. But in reality, it is tougher that I thought. In reality, even if I know what I like, I am not that knowledge of the topic that I want to write. The topic that has always been my interest. I am so fucked up. It sucks.

First of all, at the very beginning, I always want to write a thesis about cultural policy and cultural industries. I know, it's not a topic that is usually being researched in my department or political science field in general. It is a part of cultural studies. But i can't help because it is the thing that sparks me. It is the thing that keeps me interested in academia. It is the thing that makes me want to pursue my dream to take a master degree. And as a person who's being lost in majoring political science, i want to make a thesis that includes my interest. I will make it as a political research no matter what. Because i don't want to suffer writing 20.000 words of a topic that i don't like. I know, i risk it all. No lecturers in my department is familiar with the cultural policy/industries.

But you know what, when I tried to write a draft, I didn't know what to write. I didn't know the problem. I didn't know what exactly I want to research. Maybe I was a boastful. I just assumed that I was knowledgeable enough of the topic, but in reality I don't. Maybe it was my fault that I don't take so much time to read and research the topic very well that I ended up being like this.

just some fake chats about what i face right now that i send to jeonghan, joshua, and scoups via a fake chat. I keep thinking and changing about what i am going to write for my thesis.

I have given up on the cultural industries topic even though i have come prepared with books and materials about it, even i took a class in cultural industries because i still can't find any research problem which relevant to my major, political science, i hardly need to let it go.

Well, i have soooo many ideas of topic in cultural industries but it's eligible for media and cultural studies research only. If only I took media studies major, I think I have just finished my thesis by now, just like my friends who is majoring in media studies. I am so frustrated right now... I still want to continue the research in cultural industries but i feel like it's nearly impossible ... Oh i hate myself. I hate it so much. Why the fuck i ended up being here and feeling so pathetic? Why i ended up being here and feeling lost and facing difficulties?

I ended up changing my topic in researching fandom and politics which I actually have an interest in it as well since the beginning too! I've written several paper about fandom and pretty much updated in fan culture in general because i am participated in fandom as well. But again, it is borderline media studies research.... i know, i am gonna researching about the political participation aspect but it is also usually talked in media and cultural studies My lecturer also didn't seem to be very supportive of my ideas... because he is not that knowledgeable about fandom and such. It makes my confident dropped. I don't have any confidence to present my topic because of it.

I still don't know what i am going to write in the end. My friends' topic seems to be very very interesting and i don't think mine is comparable to them... my writing is also sucks because i wrote in a rush while trying to cope with my depression that caused by this fucking thesis. I don't know what should i do next... i am scheduled to present my proposal next week but i hate my proposal so much. no confidence at all. Help.

I stated that I am more into a fic reader than writer. I also said that I most likely will never write any brain dumps about my otp into a proper fanfiction.

Well, it's not that I don't like writing nor I can't write. Instead, I LOVE writing, especially fiction. I love creative writing. I have been writing since I was an elementary kid. I even entered some writing competitions and I have won some. I have published my writings on a blog since I was a kid.

But.... My love for writing has changed since I am in university. I pursue a major in politics and I have to write a bunch of paper for assignment and exam. I now see writing not as a hobby anymore, not as a solace or relaxing activity. I see writing as a burden because of uni.

It's sad actually. I don't enjoy writing as much as I enjoy it before. Everytime I opened my laptop and trying to write some stories, I feel so heavy. I will keep writing but I end up not finish it. It's hard not to get the feel for finding solace and relaxing in writing while I sit in front of my laptop after hours and hours writing for my paper. I am tired of writing.

I stil try to find that "spark joy" of writing fiction, though. I prefer to write any writing aside of my college paper in my phone now. Because I feel more relaxed. I can write while leaning back or lying around. Writing on my phone gives me some different feelings because I use phone for entertainment purpose.

Well, let's see if I end up deciding to write some fic, hehe. I will try, though. I have opened my ao3 again. Wish me luck then!

these past few weeks, i feel like i want to give up. Then, i sat in front of my desk and looked at jeonghan & joshua trading card from caratland 2019. I suddenly remembered how they wanted to quit together. They cried in front of their manager, whining to quit and ending their training period. But somehow, they ended up choosing to not give up. They tried once again and they made it instead.

I then wondered, "am i able to go through this hardship? Can i make it?"

Everything will be different once you choose to give up or not to give up. You'll be a completely different person. And you're in charge of choosing between those two options. You're in charge of your own fate.

I know, quitting doesn't mean you're weak. It could be empowering. But, you need to know what's the best option for your life? You know what's the best for you, either it's quitting or not.

I realize that i am not alone, too. My friends and I, we have to go through this hardship together too. We could encourage each other so everyone will feel like we have each other.

They have lifted up my spirit a little bit. They also showed me that it's okay to feel like you want to give up, it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel you can't endure it anymore.

Well thank you, Jeonghan and Joshua.

I hope I will have the same tenacity as you two. I hope I will not give up. I hope I can make it, just as you two. I hope I can endure this for at least the next eight months.

I love you both, so so much. You guys mean so much to me... thank you for always being there for me.

p.s. the title comes from Wakutani team's motto in Haikyuu, 粘を見せろ (show your tenacity).

ruby red grapefruit

ruby red grapefruit

Entries tagged with personal

planning my tattoos

thesis

i love writing, but...

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