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Current Mood: happy

Entry tags:

intro

Sticky: the ruby came from the stone

tania. she/her. '00.
medium: vanteania | listography: vanteania

litterboxd: vanteania | tumblr: rfkive

hello, welcome to ruby red grapefruit's journal ♡

on this journal, you'll find me talking about fannish and personal stuff. i will mostly talk about seventeen. my ult biases are jeonghan and joshua. and yes, my otp is yoonhong/jihan (i am an acute jihanist). i also like verkwan (my favorite ship actually after yoonhong) and any shua-centered ships/joshua harem. i love 95z and maknae line in seventeen, i need to see them get along more often please.

other than seventeen, i also love bts! yes, i am an army. in bts, my bias is taehyung and namjoon. in bts, my otp is taekook and i also like platonic vmin. besides bts and seventeen, i casually listen to kpop girl groups. my personal favorites are stayc, twice, le sserafim, newjeans, and (g)i-dle. well, i actually like gfriend but after their disband lol.

i am more into a fic reader rather than fic writer, but you'll find some of brain dumps about my otp of the fic that i most likely will never write.

i will also talk about my favorite media like movies, books, drama, animanga, etc! i will write a rough analysis about media, culture, and technology as well on this blog because i am interested in it (yeah, i sort of am studying about media & culture, you can say that).

i mainly will use English on this journal, but sometimes i will also write in Bahasa Indonesia. English is not my first language, sooo pardon any grammatical errors.

i think that's it. enjoy reading my journal and let's be frienddddd <3

Current Mood: anxious

happy new year

hi happy new year everyone, wishing you all a good luck this year

it's new year but my anxiety just came back lmaooo i had been feeling better since november-december but anxiety just hits me again this time and i think it's going worsened because i have a troubled breathing and my stomach feels really bad

Current Mood: full

Entry tags:

personal

planning my tattoos

planning my tattoos

i have been always wanting to get a tattoo. but my family won't ever give me a permission to do that.

i always have a plan of what the tattoos are going to be. i do think that i would probably get a plenty of it with a small size.

my first tattoo is going to be the calico cat tattoo. calico cat itself in most tradition in many countries means good luck. but calico cat for me means a 'bond' with my little brother as a sibling. yes, we have two calico cat and we take care of them until now. i want the calico tattoo to be small to medium size. it's either only the head or a full body of the cat. the place is on my right arm.

the second one is probably a semicolon tattoo which is yes, inspired by seventeen's semicolon album.
i hold the meaning of semicolon so dearly. semicolon is also one of my favorite albums from seventeen and i love the message that seventeen wanted to send to us.

semicolon, according to seventeen represents a brief pause and moment to take a breath, exchanging laughter with one another even amidst the hardships of the generation. semicolon aimed to spread message of support for youth who run endlessly, who's hustling and never take a break. seventeen hoped to give warmth, comfort, and support through semicolon.

semicolon tattoo itself is a symbol of pride and survival for those who's dealing with depression, suicide, addiction, anxiety, and self-injury. as a person who's dealing with depression and anxiety, this symbol means so much to me.

by the way, i want to put the semicolon tattoo on my right index finger.

besides calico and semicolon tattoos, i want to have a tattoo of 'everythingoes', 'uhgood', and 'moonchild'. i don't really want to elaborate one by one of the reason why, but yes those three songs from RM's mixtape, mono, is significant for me.

as for moonchild though, i want to have a crescent moon as well. i want to put the moonchild tattoo on my nape. meanwhile for everythingoes, i want to place it on my left wrist/arm. for uhgood, i am thinking to place it on my collarbone or shoulder.

well, i think me having a tattoo is only a wishful thinking, lol.

Current Mood: curious

Entry tags:

hxh chapter 395!!!

omg so this is a late reaction post to the latest hxh chapter which is very mindblowing!!!!!

Like, oh my god. We got a plot twist?!!!

First of all, this chapter is very interesting because we finally got to see more about the history of the spider/the phantom troupe/genei ryodan

It's soo interesting because we got a back story of them that we could see their side and understand more about them. The Phantom Troupe is one of the villains/antagonist that I can be empathetic to. I love how Togashi actually tried to make them more human though.

The part that the most shocking to me or yes, the plot twist, it is about Sheila! I have never seen it coming that Sheila is possibly a member of the spider????

I am a Kurapika #1 fan and yes, I remember everything about them. I remember Sheila from the Hunter x Hunter chapter 0 which tells a back story of Kurapika.

And boom! Sheila is actually from a meteor city? I am so excited to know more about the relation between Kuruta Clan and The Meteor City, especially with the spider itself. Oh my god... What is going to happen..... Who the fuck is sheila actually...

like, for these past days, i've been reading about the theory of sheila! i don't believe the pariston theory but i am opened to the possibility tho lol. But i am more into sheila who was hurt by the kurta clan and it made the spider angry.. but well, i think this is too brutal considering their goal as a group if the spider decided to massacre or commit genocide against the kurta clan.. i think somehow the spider was being trapped by someone else??? Or you know, there was a mastermind behind this massacre. The kurta clan too is very suspicious especially the elder! I don't think the elder is innocent. I am also really curious about the significance of the dino hunter book.

Omgggg, the next chapter is going to be lit and i can't wait for it!

Current Mood: thankful
Current Music: mono - RM

Entry tags:

bts,
lovestruck

kim namjoon, i love you

on another day of loving and admiring kim namjoon.. he's such a genius and i am in love. him and bts is such a gift to the world. i will forever be grateful of his and bts' music. i will also forever treasure him and cherish his and bts' music. his music has given me comfort and solace.

i love him so much ...... i wanna cry especially everytime i listen to his mixtape, mono. namjoon and bts will always have a special place in my heart.

Entry tags:

personal

thesis

....

never in my life i would imagine that this thing happened. no, not the thesis. I know, i will have to do my thesis in order to graduate. But i never imagined that i would feel this difficult to finish my thesis. It is tough. Like, really tough. I even got anxiety because of it. I am afraid of looking at my proposal which I also wrote in the middle of my peak depression and anxiety. I am so desperate. I feel like I just want to give up. I am also trying so hard to not talking about thesis with my friends. Everytime they talk about it or ask me about it, i feel so uncomfortable. I also get anxious when everyone talks about their thesis. I try to switch away the conversation. I just want to go away. I don't want to hear about it. No. I even feel afraid to come to the seminar class because I don't want to know anything about my friends' thesis. I feel so anxious....

Before this thing happens, I have an imagination of me doing just fine writing my thesis because I've always known what I want to write. I've always known my interest. But in reality, it is tougher that I thought. In reality, even if I know what I like, I am not that knowledge of the topic that I want to write. The topic that has always been my interest. I am so fucked up. It sucks.

First of all, at the very beginning, I always want to write a thesis about cultural policy and cultural industries. I know, it's not a topic that is usually being researched in my department or political science field in general. It is a part of cultural studies. But i can't help because it is the thing that sparks me. It is the thing that keeps me interested in academia. It is the thing that makes me want to pursue my dream to take a master degree. And as a person who's being lost in majoring political science, i want to make a thesis that includes my interest. I will make it as a political research no matter what. Because i don't want to suffer writing 20.000 words of a topic that i don't like. I know, i risk it all. No lecturers in my department is familiar with the cultural policy/industries.

But you know what, when I tried to write a draft, I didn't know what to write. I didn't know the problem. I didn't know what exactly I want to research. Maybe I was a boastful. I just assumed that I was knowledgeable enough of the topic, but in reality I don't. Maybe it was my fault that I don't take so much time to read and research the topic very well that I ended up being like this.

just some fake chats about what i face right now that i send to jeonghan, joshua, and scoups via a fake chat. I keep thinking and changing about what i am going to write for my thesis.

I have given up on the cultural industries topic even though i have come prepared with books and materials about it, even i took a class in cultural industries because i still can't find any research problem which relevant to my major, political science, i hardly need to let it go.

Well, i have soooo many ideas of topic in cultural industries but it's eligible for media and cultural studies research only. If only I took media studies major, I think I have just finished my thesis by now, just like my friends who is majoring in media studies. I am so frustrated right now... I still want to continue the research in cultural industries but i feel like it's nearly impossible ... Oh i hate myself. I hate it so much. Why the fuck i ended up being here and feeling so pathetic? Why i ended up being here and feeling lost and facing difficulties?

I ended up changing my topic in researching fandom and politics which I actually have an interest in it as well since the beginning too! I've written several paper about fandom and pretty much updated in fan culture in general because i am participated in fandom as well. But again, it is borderline media studies research.... i know, i am gonna researching about the political participation aspect but it is also usually talked in media and cultural studies My lecturer also didn't seem to be very supportive of my ideas... because he is not that knowledgeable about fandom and such. It makes my confident dropped. I don't have any confidence to present my topic because of it.

I still don't know what i am going to write in the end. My friends' topic seems to be very very interesting and i don't think mine is comparable to them... my writing is also sucks because i wrote in a rush while trying to cope with my depression that caused by this fucking thesis. I don't know what should i do next... i am scheduled to present my proposal next week but i hate my proposal so much. no confidence at all. Help.

Entry tags:

personal

i love writing, but...

I stated that I am more into a fic reader than writer. I also said that I most likely will never write any brain dumps about my otp into a proper fanfiction.

Well, it's not that I don't like writing nor I can't write. Instead, I LOVE writing, especially fiction. I love creative writing. I have been writing since I was an elementary kid. I even entered some writing competitions and I have won some. I have published my writings on a blog since I was a kid.

But.... My love for writing has changed since I am in university. I pursue a major in politics and I have to write a bunch of paper for assignment and exam. I now see writing not as a hobby anymore, not as a solace or relaxing activity. I see writing as a burden because of uni.

It's sad actually. I don't enjoy writing as much as I enjoy it before. Everytime I opened my laptop and trying to write some stories, I feel so heavy. I will keep writing but I end up not finish it. It's hard not to get the feel for finding solace and relaxing in writing while I sit in front of my laptop after hours and hours writing for my paper. I am tired of writing.

I stil try to find that "spark joy" of writing fiction, though. I prefer to write any writing aside of my college paper in my phone now. Because I feel more relaxed. I can write while leaning back or lying around. Writing on my phone gives me some different feelings because I use phone for entertainment purpose.

Well, let's see if I end up deciding to write some fic, hehe. I will try, though. I have opened my ao3 again. Wish me luck then!

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show us your tenacity

these past few weeks, i feel like i want to give up. Then, i sat in front of my desk and looked at jeonghan & joshua trading card from caratland 2019. I suddenly remembered how they wanted to quit together. They cried in front of their manager, whining to quit and ending their training period. But somehow, they ended up choosing to not give up. They tried once again and they made it instead.

I then wondered, "am i able to go through this hardship? Can i make it?"

Everything will be different once you choose to give up or not to give up. You'll be a completely different person. And you're in charge of choosing between those two options. You're in charge of your own fate.

I know, quitting doesn't mean you're weak. It could be empowering. But, you need to know what's the best option for your life? You know what's the best for you, either it's quitting or not.

I realize that i am not alone, too. My friends and I, we have to go through this hardship together too. We could encourage each other so everyone will feel like we have each other.

They have lifted up my spirit a little bit. They also showed me that it's okay to feel like you want to give up, it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel you can't endure it anymore.

Well thank you, Jeonghan and Joshua.

I hope I will have the same tenacity as you two. I hope I will not give up. I hope I can make it, just as you two. I hope I can endure this for at least the next eight months.

I love you both, so so much. You guys mean so much to me... thank you for always being there for me.

p.s. the title comes from Wakutani team's motto in Haikyuu, 粘を見せろ (show your tenacity).

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yoonhong con artist x rich guy au

Hello!!! So i am back quickly with another yoonhong brain rot!!

I suddenly remembered about the great pretender anime, and i think isn't it interesting if we have a yoonhong con artist au?!

So, jeonghan is the well-known con artist who works with his team. The team consists of Seungcheol (or i am actually thinking about Seungcheol who's Joshua right hand man??? So maybe Seungcheol would be replaced with Mingyu) Jun, and Hoshi. They targeted Joshua, a rich man. Well, i don't really think about what Joshua does. But maybe he's a collector of painting/any expensive and rare items. But, besides that, he also has a business that is affiliated with the mafia community.

So the plot is basically jeonghan tries to trick Joshua because he wants Joshua's money (and Joshua's downfall). But, little did he knew that Joshua also tricks Jeonghan. He wants to make Jeonghan falling in love with him. Joshua is as manipulative and smart as Jeonghan is. He doesn't that easy to be tricked of. But even though Joshua wants Jeonghan to love him, Joshua never love Jeonghan first. Same with Jeonghan, Joshua wants to ruin Jeonghan. Joshua knew that Jeonghan is a con artist even though he pretends to be someone else. Joshua wants to protect his property from Jeonghan.

Overall it is about "Jeonghan wants Joshua's money, Joshua wants Jeonghan's love."

I want to include Jeonghan and his team's fighting because Jeonghan seems to be in (madly) in love with Joshua. He loses focus while working.

Hmm but I actually think that it would also be interesting if Jeonghan also knew that Joshua tries to manipulate him, trying to make him falling in love with Joshua. So Jeonghan's plan to get Joshua's money is also to make Joshua falling in love with him. In the end, they are going to be falling for each other. Jeonghan's plan is ruined because of love and he lose his friends.

Idk idk, again, this is only a brain dumps.

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yoonhong as villains???

so... I've been thinking about yoonhong au where jeonghan & joshua work as a partner in crime. I don't exactly have any picture of what's the setting is/what's the universe looks like. But maybe mafia/gangster au could work??? The setting in underworld would be perfect, i guess.

For the conflict, i don't have any picture too lol but for the character, i think joshua is the real villain. He's more evil than Jeonghan. Jeonghan will get his redemption arc first and he's trying to save joshua.. i want them to have a good back story of how they could get there, working as a mafia and wandering around in underworld. I am thinking that they became partner because joshua found jeonghan first. i am thinking about joshua who saved jeonghan at the very beginning of their encounter. So joshua is the one who has been involved in crime first. Or... Their encounter began because both of them have been involved in crime and they met each other because they apparently had the same target? Lol idk, i'm still thinking about developing the plot. But yeah, something happened between the two in the present so jeonghan gets his redemption arc, meanwhile joshua does something unpredictable and he appears to be the real villain. Or i think that would also be good if joshua ends up being the anti-hero? Idk, maybe the story would involve a revenge plot..

I came into a conclusion of joshua as more evil than jeonghan because somehow i have an impression of Joshua as more threatening? that's why i fear Joshua more than Jeonghan. because Joshua is an unpredictable person, he could do something that we could never expect or predict before? So in my imagination of this au, no one could imagine that Joshua could be a psychopath? But yeah, both of them is the type of people who's willing to do anything to get what they want. But for jeonghan, because he is more calculated, he is not as unhinged as joshua is. That's why Jeonghan is easier to read than Joshua.

Well, i think that's for today's yoonhong brain dump. I only have this rough imagination of this au and i don't have any plan to make it happen lol.

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: invisible string - taylor swift

Entry tags:

why jeonghan and joshua are the perfect pair EVER

I've been thinking about how perfect jeonghan and joshua are as a pair these past few days.

No one can top them, SERIOUSLY.

First of all, they both have a good back story. Their predebut story is just...... Oh god, very heartwarming and wonderful. Everytime I remember about they predebut story, I am convinced that soulmate is real. Because look at them, there's no explanation that could argue that they are not soulmates. Everyone is obligated to believe that Jeonghan and Joshua are soulmates. Period.

They are truly the embodiment of Taylor Swift's Mastermind, especially this lyrics:

Once upon a time, the planets and the fates
And all the stars aligned
You and I ended up in the same room
At the same time

LIKE??? THIS IS THEM!!! both entered pledis around the same time. ALSO they both are streetcasted and CAN YOU IMAGINE.. they were separated by different continents??? and then they ended up in that freaking melona room??? it's just ... Magical. RIGHT?

everyday, i thank god for making it possible for them to meet each other and stay together, even after all those hardships. They almost quitted together but again, their determination to debut won. I am glad.

Anyway, speaking of "who's the mastermind?" I personally think it was Joshua. He was the first person who talked to Jeonghan and his first impression of jeonghan.... i think it was a love at the first sight.

Joshua: when i first saw jeonghan, i really thought that he was such a pretty kid. his skin was so white and smooth and his eyes were big. i was amazed that there was someone as pretty as him in korea. when i found out that we were the same age, i immediately wanted to get closer to him and be his friend. i also liked how hard working he was when we were practicing.

Or you know?? Just them having that invisible string so Joshua probably had this "strong bond" for Jeonghan that push him to get closer to him. Just a gut or trust that this person is "the one", something like that.

Okay, the second reason is their personality. At the first sight you saw them, you probably think that they have different personalities, like truly the opposite. joshua looks like that kind, obedient, simple-hearted, and brilliant boy. You won't expect him to break the rules or being a rebel, no. Meanwhile Jeonghan, he appears to be mischiveous, witty, kind but also annoying, and of course, a rebel.

Well but the truth is, THEY ARE SIMILAR OF EACH OTHER. it turns out that joshua is also mischiveous, witty, and a rebel as well!! even he can be more annoying than jeonghan! Yeah, watch going seventeen "best friends" episode to know more :)

Joshua is more unhinged compared to Jeonghan, everybody agrees, right? He is unpredictable and acts by impulsivity. That's why he could think of the craziest ideas than Jeonghan could. So, i also think he could be the brain of the "evil twins" or "witz duo". He always surprises us!

Meanwhile with Jeonghan, we can expect him to do some crazy or weird shits at the very start because it is what he usually does. He is more calculated than Joshua.

And this is what's interesting about their dynamics. They just made a perfect combination of the same weird, insane, mischievous person with a different way of act and thinking. Like, no one is on the same level as Jeonghan is besides Joshua. the only person who could win over Jeonghan is Joshua and vice versa. They energy is just matched with each other.

That's why you'll see Going Seventeen editor, Weverse magazine editor, Pledis staff, and even the members said "as expected, Yoon Jeonghan's friend, Joshua Hong or Joshua Hong's friend, Yoon Jeonghan"

if they unite, no one can stop them to do the craziest shit. They will surprise us with crazy and weird shit. They will do everything to get what they want because they are so competitive and witty and mischievous!

OH also i have to mention this too!!! even if they have similar personalities, they have different hobbies. Jeonghan is more a sporty type, he is more into outdoor activities. Meanwhile Joshua, he's artsy who loves music and craft. Isn't it cute and cool, right? LIKE they complement each other so much <3

They are the powerful couple that everyone afraid of and respect. They are the pair that you will be rooting for.

So in conclusion, you can find the soulmates, friends to levers, partner in crime, ride or die, even enemies to lovers trope and dynamic in them! They possess the quality of main characters, antiheroes, and villains with a good back story and redemption arc.

Yes they are perfect, everyone go away and stan JHHJ!!!!