ruby_red_grapefruit

....

never in my life i would imagine that this thing happened. no, not the thesis. I know, i will have to do my thesis in order to graduate. But i never imagined that i would feel this difficult to finish my thesis. It is tough. Like, really tough. I even got anxiety because of it. I am afraid of looking at my proposal which I also wrote in the middle of my peak depression and anxiety. I am so desperate. I feel like I just want to give up. I am also trying so hard to not talking about thesis with my friends. Everytime they talk about it or ask me about it, i feel so uncomfortable. I also get anxious when everyone talks about their thesis. I try to switch away the conversation. I just want to go away. I don't want to hear about it. No. I even feel afraid to come to the seminar class because I don't want to know anything about my friends' thesis. I feel so anxious....

Before this thing happens, I have an imagination of me doing just fine writing my thesis because I've always known what I want to write. I've always known my interest. But in reality, it is tougher that I thought. In reality, even if I know what I like, I am not that knowledge of the topic that I want to write. The topic that has always been my interest. I am so fucked up. It sucks.

First of all, at the very beginning, I always want to write a thesis about cultural policy and cultural industries. I know, it's not a topic that is usually being researched in my department or political science field in general. It is a part of cultural studies. But i can't help because it is the thing that sparks me. It is the thing that keeps me interested in academia. It is the thing that makes me want to pursue my dream to take a master degree. And as a person who's being lost in majoring political science, i want to make a thesis that includes my interest. I will make it as a political research no matter what. Because i don't want to suffer writing 20.000 words of a topic that i don't like. I know, i risk it all. No lecturers in my department is familiar with the cultural policy/industries.

But you know what, when I tried to write a draft, I didn't know what to write. I didn't know the problem. I didn't know what exactly I want to research. Maybe I was a boastful. I just assumed that I was knowledgeable enough of the topic, but in reality I don't. Maybe it was my fault that I don't take so much time to read and research the topic very well that I ended up being like this.

just some fake chats about what i face right now that i send to jeonghan, joshua, and scoups via a fake chat. I keep thinking and changing about what i am going to write for my thesis.

I have given up on the cultural industries topic even though i have come prepared with books and materials about it, even i took a class in cultural industries because i still can't find any research problem which relevant to my major, political science, i hardly need to let it go.

Well, i have soooo many ideas of topic in cultural industries but it's eligible for media and cultural studies research only. If only I took media studies major, I think I have just finished my thesis by now, just like my friends who is majoring in media studies. I am so frustrated right now... I still want to continue the research in cultural industries but i feel like it's nearly impossible ... Oh i hate myself. I hate it so much. Why the fuck i ended up being here and feeling so pathetic? Why i ended up being here and feeling lost and facing difficulties?

I ended up changing my topic in researching fandom and politics which I actually have an interest in it as well since the beginning too! I've written several paper about fandom and pretty much updated in fan culture in general because i am participated in fandom as well. But again, it is borderline media studies research.... i know, i am gonna researching about the political participation aspect but it is also usually talked in media and cultural studies My lecturer also didn't seem to be very supportive of my ideas... because he is not that knowledgeable about fandom and such. It makes my confident dropped. I don't have any confidence to present my topic because of it.

I still don't know what i am going to write in the end. My friends' topic seems to be very very interesting and i don't think mine is comparable to them... my writing is also sucks because i wrote in a rush while trying to cope with my depression that caused by this fucking thesis. I don't know what should i do next... i am scheduled to present my proposal next week but i hate my proposal so much. no confidence at all. Help.